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Consciousness Fiction
2. "Cathar Sis and The Rapist" by Carl Johann Schroeder


Introduction: I had this story in my head for a year or more. I'd made some notes on it, including the man's name as Robert Katz. But when I finally wrote it, it all came out in one sitting, right after I found the perfect true photograph for the story among some old magazines. The spooky moment for me was when I saw the actual name on the photograph was also Katz. But the man's problem, well it's not unlike how I felt as a child, growing up German. So I think the psychology is pretty profound. And one last inspiration: I knew a guy once who never made eye contact. He'd just look straight at you with his eyes closed. He died, from heart failure as I recall.
      -- Carl, September 2005


Cathar Sis and The Rapist
By Carl Johann Schroeder, copyright 2005, all rights reserved. Draft version Sept 24, 2005


(man in chair, he's looking at his hands, several closeups)

(woman with notepad, seated cross legged, waiting)

(the two of them in same view now, seated across from each other, waiting)

woman: Mr. Katz, need I remind you how much you're paying me an hour. You did bring your checkbook, didn't you?

man: Yes, yes. I'm an accountant, remember?

woman: (smiles, softer) You know I'm just going to try to reach you from several different angles. That's what I'm trained to do.

man: I know, I know.

woman: (formal again) There are but few rules in therapy, Mr. Katz, and many guidelines. As I explained in our phone interview, my method is provocative. I maintain what I believe to be healthy boundaries, and I call the shots as I see them. I trust my candor will not be a problem.

man: That's what I wanted. I avoid people, not the truth.

woman: Interesting. Sometimes people represent the truth. You distrust people?

man: I distrust their ability to handle the truth.

woman: Fair enough. But it's my job to handle the truth. (softer, leaning forward) So tell me, Robert, what seems to be the problem?

man: (continuing to look down) My boss recommended that I get therapy.

woman: Does that mean you don't really want to be here?

man: No. I mean yes, yes I do. It's fine. My boss is just trying to help, she knows I'm having a hard time with something.

woman: Do you feel under pressure to reach a certain outcome with our sessions?

man: Mmm, no, not really. I won't lose my job or anything. And I've thought about doing therapy before.

woman: That's great, Robert. So what did you want to talk about when you previously considered therapy?

man: Oh I get it. You're experimenting with finding a vocabulary for just the right emotional distance, so I'll talk about something I'm not ready to talk about.

woman: Why yes Robert, that's quite perceptive. Are you always so perceptive?

man: Yes, yes I would say that I am. I see things others don't see, and that brings me a certain responsibility for cause and effect.

woman: What do you mean?

man: I can't get too close to people.

woman: Oh.

man: Yeah well. I have my journals, my theories, my observations. I have a lot to think about.

woman: But it must get lonely.

man: Sure. My boss thinks I should go out on a date sometime.

woman: Do you think you should go out on a date sometime?

man: Well, this is all hypothetical. But it would depend on the person.

woman: Who would you go on a date with?

man: Whom would I go on a date with? Someone. Like my boss. Or you.

woman: Oh.

man: Don't get me wrong. I'm just saying, well, I think my boss wants to go out on a date with me, that's why she keeps bringing it up. She was both pleased and worried when I told her that I've never been on a date before...

woman: (interrupting) Ever?

man: Ever.

woman: And how does that make you feel?

man: Like you didn't let me finish my thought.

woman: I'm sorry, please continue.

man: Well furthermore, when I said I would like to go out on a date with someone like her or you, I meant woman who are articulate and attractive to me. I like that.

woman: (cautiously) So I guess there's a compliment for me in that. Thank you. I am of course married.

man: You must have a tough job setting boundaries. Having to say that to patients, I mean.

woman: (startled) Um, boundaries can be tricky. Boundaries, like relationships, depend on communication. I thought you might need to know that I'm married, that's all.

man: Sure. Hey don't worry, I said it was hypothetical. Plus my boss is much more attractive to me than you.

woman: (reacting) Well, how would you know? I haven't seen you once look at me.

man: Sure I have, just not when you're looking at me.

woman: Why would you do that? Avoid eye contact?

man: Because I can never have eye contact. That is my fate.

woman: You don't look at people when they're looking at you?

man: I can't, it might make them sick. Or get them hurt, maybe even killed.

woman: Why would you believe such a thing?

man: Because it's true. And I can see that it's true, whereas others cannot. The true nature of cause and effect. It's an associative reality, impacts are connected outside of time and space, and I have what I believe has been recorded in myth and legend as the evil eye.

woman: That's quite a self-diagnosis.

man: It's a curse.

woman: (looks worried)

man: (laughs) That's a joke. "It's a curse". That's an expression people say, right? Only it's doubly ironic in my case because it's actually true.

woman: (smiles) Ok, I can see a sense of humor in what you say. It's healthy to have some sense of humor. Humor gives distance. Some distance can be healthy.

man: (earnestly) But does what I'm saying make me crazy? Because I've been called crazy.

woman: (contemplating) Well, crazy is a harsh word with no real medical definition. It will take time to understand and diagnose you fairly, I'm sure you appreciate that.

man: (sadly) Yes.

woman: (gentler, trying to cheer) For what it's worth - just socially speaking - you come across as intelligent, sensitive, and apparently functional enough to hold a job and afford therapy. So you may have a self-image which is not working for you, but you might not be acting any worse than say, eccentric.

man: (pointing his finger toward her, but still looking down) Right, that's what I told my boss. I'm eccentric. And she must like eccentric, to like me. She's eccentric.

woman: (pointing at his finger, sighs) See now, when most people gesture toward another person, their eyes usually lead or follow their hands. Either way, eye contact is soon expected. Don't you ever want to look at the person you're talking to?

man: Sure I want to. I told her that too. I said I'd like to look straight at you, I just can't.

woman: Please understand me. It's a good step for you to consider her feelings, but I'm not advocating a relationship between you and your boss. That's usually an emotionally dangerous situation. Of course, it's also never stopped plenty of people. And there's apparently enough caring between you two for her to have helped you to make it this far, here, asking for my help. That's a big and vulnerable step.

man: That's a good point, but I don't see what comes of it.

woman: Robert, people need to be looked at. They want to be looked at. Sooner or later, you're going to make everyone very uncomfortable if you always refuse to make eye contact with them.

man: (looking down, spreads hands) Sure.

woman: Raise your head to me please when you speak.

man: I can do that. (lifts his head but shuts his eyes)

woman: Right. Well. Ahhh... ahhh.. achoo! (shuts her eyes with the sneeze, then opens them suddenly)

man: (closing his eyes again) You can't catch me looking at you, if that's what you're hoping for. I've had years of practice. I can see when you're thinking of looking, so I have plenty of time to shut my eyes or turn away.

woman: (thoughtful) That's funny. I had a strong sudden image of search beams coming toward me, from your eyes.

man: (looks down sharply) Sorry, yes. I was looking too hard, even with my eyes closed.

woman: (pause) So this is why you're here.

man: Yes. I need to better understand how to interect with people in order to protect them. It does not appear to be my option to simply hide. I need money, a job... and I kind of like exploring the world.

woman: You just can't make eye contact with people.

man: Yes.

woman: (suddenly) What about animals?

man: They're ok.

woman: You can look at animals?

man: Yes. Animals are different, they have group souls or something. I don't know, they just don't see me seeing their fears of me seeing their darkest sides. Animals don't keep secrets like people do.

woman: But there are pet therapists, you know.

man: Ha!

woman: Do you own a pet?

man: Sure, a cat.

woman: What's her name?

man: Wow, how did you know it was a her?

woman: Just a guess.

man: His name is Norman.

woman: Like conquest?

man: No, like a man from Norway. Or the north.

woman: Sorry, I was just trying to offer a word association for success. You've obviously conquered your... tragic belief about making eye contact.. with your pet. Pets are often great stepping stones for practicing intimacy and expression. Did you know that many people who stutter can talk to a pet without stuttering?

man: (shrugs) It's a pet. I told you, it's different. And anyway, I can't look too closely or I might start seeing my own reflection in the cat's eyes.

woman: Good point, mirrors of the soul. What happens when you make eye contact with yourself?

man: I could get sick or die, same as anybody else. I told you, that's just what my eyes can do. I'm not ego special. This is reality I'm dealing with here, you're not the one who has to live with it.

woman: You sound a little bitter.

man: Sorry.

woman: That's ok. Now, where did this... foreknowledge... that your eye contact would make someone ill, where did this begin?

man: When I was little.

woman: This is great, Robert. Thank you for opening up to me about this.

man: I haven't told you yet.

woman: (nodding, making notes) Uh huh. Please, continue.

man: I mean, I don't tell many people. It's too personal. And, they might get the wrong idea.

woman: (gently) I've been trained to not get the wrong idea. You can tell me.

man: I had a photograhph of a little boy when I was growing up. A very little boy. I don't know where I got it from, I had it for years....

woman: (helping) What did this picture look like?

man: I always liked it. The boy was my friend. I mean, in the picture. It was an old photograph, I got it from some book.

woman: Did he look like you?

man: Yes. I mean, I don't know. He's standing on a chair, all bundled up in a big coat, hat, scarf. I just liked how he looked, all bundled up, keeping him safe, looking straight at me. I used to look at his picture for hours.

woman: That sounds perfectly... meditative. Nothing wrong with that.

man: I killed him.

woman: What do you mean?

man: When I learned how to read, I read the back of the picture. His name was Katz, same as me, and it said he was killed by the Nazis.

woman: Oh. I'm sorry.

man: I tried to warn him, but it was too late. I'd already read the caption, he could see it in my eyes. He wasn't going to die until I made it happen. If only I hadn't read the back of the picture.

woman: There's something very odd about your sense of cause and effect.

man: I told you, I know how things work.

woman: Robert, I'll tell you how things work. You were a boy, overwhelmed with a realization of evil in the world. Grown ups can't always protect us. Sometimes we find out too soon, that innocent people, even friends, may get killed. So you protected yourself, you took control the only way you knew how.

man: You think I decided that my look could kill, so I could decide to just not look at people and then evil would be controlled.

woman: Yes. You understand this now as an adult.

man: I understand this as a concept, but it's not true. My look did kill.

woman: How could it kill? The boy was already dead, it was an old photograph.

man: We were connected across time and space. Time and space are only as real as our perceptions.

woman: Then you're a spiritualist. If you were feeling a cosmic connection, then you must believe that the boy never dies.

man: But he did die. After I read the caption then I could see it in the photograph. He was no longer looking at me, he was just looking at a camera. His eyes went cold because he knew that he was going to be murdered. He found out through me, so I killed him.

woman: But *you* didn't kill the boy. Something evil in someone else did.

man: Evil can look out of every man's eyes.

woman: What about women?

man: Yeah, it's a gender-free usage of the word man. Evil can look out of every person's eyes.

woman: That's right. And since you don't look at people anymore, you haven't stopped evil, have you? Innocent people still die in the world.

man: Yes, but not through me. I have a gift of great perception, which goes two ways. My gaze connects people with evil, which can hurt them so much they eventually die.

woman: Everyone eventually dies. How long after the photo was taken did you say the boy was killed?

man: I don't know exactly. Some years.

woman: You don't know exactly? You, the accountant?

man: Ok, ok. The photo was 1930. He was killed in a Polish town in 1941.

woman: That's eleven, maybe twelve years later.

man: I guess he reached his teen years when he died.

woman: (nodding) That's right. He could have gone out on dates. He probably had many friends.

man: Maybe.

woman: Well isn't that what you're wanting for yourself now, isn't that why you're here?

man: Maybe.

woman: Good. So now, did you ever think you were responsible for some of the good things that happened to the little boy, as well as the bad?

man: Mmmm, maybe. No. See, I don't know what good things happened to him. No one knows. We're talking about just one of the thousands of photographs of people who were killed by the Nazis.

woman: Ok... You said he was like a friend to you for many years. What did you imagine his life to be?

man: That he was like me.

woman: And what was it like to be you?

man: Always... vigilant. That's why he was all bundled up, and standing there alone on a chair. He understood me, he was my friend.

woman: (pause) Are you telling me that you have been learning to avoid people all of your life?

man: (squirming) I suppose. But I didn't know to stop looking at people until after I killed the boy in the photograph.

woman: You mean after you read the caption that explained how he died.

man: Yes. Through my eyes, I killed him. Cause and effect.

woman: (making notes) So, what did your parents do when you stopped making eye contact with them? What did your teachers do?

man: Well, mostly they didn't notice. Or they'd forget to notice.

woman: You're telling me that your parents were so neglectful, that they didn't miss you never looking at them?

man: Didn't miss never? I think that's a triple negative. But yes, people didn't miss my looking at them. And sometimes I'd give them a quick stare, just to reinforce the lesson. They'd cough or sneeze, they might even trip and fall. Something bad would happen to break the eye contact. So consciously or unconsciously they would learn, to not let it happen again.

woman: Are you saying that whenever someone had a mishap or accident around you, you thought that it happened because you looked at them?

man: Well no. Yes. You make it sound egomaniacal, but it's not me. I just bring it out of people. It's like catching a wave, or fanning a flame. For instance, I knew you were going to sneeze earlier, so I thought about looking at you, which made you sneeze. You thought about sneezing to trick me into looking at you, so you tried to take control of the situation. But it was a real sneeze, and you don't know where it first came from. It's funny how people play games with cause and effect.

woman: You play games with cause and effect.

man: You have to, if you're going to spare people the evil eye. I learned to be invisible. I developed my sight, and I learned to stay out of sight. It's actually kind of fun, it's like hide and seek all the time.

woman: Ok, do you see how dysfunctional this is Robert? You're preferring your own mind games to real relationships. Why don't you just look at me and get this over with. I'm a human being, we're having a conversation. I deserve to get some eye contact from you.

man: (withdrawing) You're getting mad. When people catch on, sometimes they get mad at me. My parents used to spank me. But I still wouldn't look at them, I loved them too much.

woman: (softer) I'm sorry Robert. You have a very complex worldview, I'm trying to sympathize with you.

man: (nods)

woman: But you must also sympathize with me. People want and need eye contact.

man: I know. I'm the one who can never have any.

woman: (considering) You must have suffered a lot, all these years. Always looking away, always avoiding people's eyes.

man: (nods) Yes, it's hard.

woman: You were just a little boy. You had an amazing but flawed theory of responsibility, for why bad things happen to good people.

man: It's the evil eye. It's not some false notion.

woman: Robert, the evil eye is an expression. It means looking at someone with deliberate hate. You're not looking at people with deliberate hate, are you?

man: No, but deliberate hate is in me. It's in everyone. We're all connected, we're all human beings capable of the same fundamental choices. I know that, and It knows that I know that, and It wants to hurt people through me.

woman: It. You mean evil. When you were just a boy, you saw the face of evil. So you decided it was your face, and you forbid yourself from ever again having meaningful eye contact with your own humanity. Robert, that's creepy, imprisoning, unfair, and totally false.

man: (looks hurt)

woman: I'm sorry, that was unusually judgmental of me. It's just that... I'm reacting to this obsessive compulsive system that has you enslaved. I care about you.

man: If you really cared, then you'd try to understand.

woman: Ok, I'll try to understand. (thinking) I would say that your purist solution to being good in an evil world is rather... medieval. It reminds me of some extreme brotherhood of Gnostics or Cathars.

man: (nodding) Or sisterhood.

woman: (considering) Yes. That's good to think of women, that's what brought you here. But still you're a lonely man, in a lonely order of one. Your ritual is uniquely integrated into the world while still keeping you totally separate.

man: That's a very good summation. Thank you.

woman: It is an observation Roger. It's not a compliment. Perpetually avoiding eye contact is abusive. Passive aggressive. Isolationist reactions to theories of evil can, and has many times in the past, led well-intentioned people into persecution and more, not less, suffering.

man: (nods, opening hands) People don't like what I do.

woman: Of course not. Do you like it?

man: I have no choice.

woman: Why, divine revelation?

man: Cause and effect.

woman: Your evil eye.

man: Not mine, humanity's.

woman: Manifesting through you, beyond your control.

man: Yes. You don't know.

woman: I would require proof to know.

man: You can't just know?

woman: No.

man: But you don't know what it will do. No one knows, until it's too late.

woman: That doesn't sound like cause and effect to me.

man: But it is. I know, and I've seen what can happen.

woman: Show me.

man: What?

woman: Look straight at me. Now. I dare you.

man: (long pause) I can if you want. Look at you. Just long enough for you to discover that I'm telling the truth.

woman: (hesitating a moment) Yes, that's what I want.

man: Ok.

(slowly, the man looks up at the woman)

woman: I don't believe you're a bad person. I will not see evil, I will see goodness. I will... see...

(the man looks intently at her looking at him)

woman: I will see that you cared enough to carry this delusion of yours... like a penance... like a ... excuse me....

(woman grabs a waste basket and starts vomiting)

man: (looks down) I take it that's enough to convince you.

woman: (very flustered, wipes mouth, gathers composure) I'm.. I'm sorry. It must have been something I ate. I just got suddenly nauseous there, this doesn't usually happen.

man: We can do it again if you like.

woman: (suddenly firm) No.

man: (sighs) So, what did you see?

woman: (with a faraway troubled look) I... I had a sudden impression of those search beams, filling me. And then the darkness in me was exposed, and it raised itself up, and I... I...

man: You wanted to cast it out of you, that's only natural. Something that you've been hiding, maybe your whole life, and it was starting to surface and fester before you were ready to admit that it was even there. But holding onto it might have made you do something sick, or crazy, or violent. You might do something bad, or become the victim of something bad. But don't worry, you're not the evil one. (pause) You'll probably just be a victim of someone, or something, that is what we would actually call, truly evil.

woman: (horrified) What *are* you?

man: I don't know. Maybe what you said before. Lonely.

woman: (shakes her head, gets composure) I'm sorry. You do have to live with something terrible, I see that now.

man: Yes, I have to live with what's inside every human being. It's the same thing that killed my childhood friend. Only now I'm smarter than It. I know that it's there and I won't let It out, I'll never let It out.

woman: You're afraid of what's inside of you? (troubled) Should I be concerned that...

man: No, I won't hurt you. I'm another victim.

woman: (covering with professionalism) I was thinking that... I was thinking, are you a danger to yourself.

man: Oh.

woman: Are you or have you ever been suicidal?

man: No. Not that. I have a place in the world, everyone does. Everyone and everything belongs somewhere, except maybe... It...

woman: The evil inside, you mean.

man: Yes. Maybe evil doesn't belong anywhere. I'm not.. certain.

woman: Robert, I can't explain what happened a few minutes ago. But you don't strike me as a bringer of evil.

man: No?

woman: No. You strike me as a profoundly and deeply caring person. That's why you've developed this elaborate... personal mythology... compensation mechanism.. which you believe in so strongly that you can manipulate yourself and others into somatic manifestations of ontological proof...

man: That's why you make the big bucks. To say things like that.

woman: Sorry. I guess I was reaching.

man: See, you felt it. Some people will become violent if I look at them, so I sense who they are ahead of time and I don't ever look at them, even the least little bit. I do what I must to protect myself, as well as everyone else. Other people, most people, including you and me and the little boy in the picture, we're basically good. We'll be the victims of evil, we're vulnerable, we get hurt. So I know, it's better for everyone if I just don't spread it, ok? Never again. No eye contact, not for me or from me.

woman: (pause) What are you going to do about your lonliness?

man: I don't know. Talk about it with you, I guess.

woman: I suspect that you're too good at talking. And I still sense some hostility here.

man: Sure. But I won't let it consume me.

woman: Well sure, the anger is easy, compared to what's deeper inside.

man: (uncomfortable) I don't know what you mean.

woman: I think you do know what I mean. And I think you know what you have to do.

man: (quietly) What do I have to do?

woman: You need to break this cycle of.. of energy that you've somehow manifested over years and years of ritualized silent suffering. Inside you is that little boy from the photograph still, all bundled up, insulated, muffled, waiting to be acknowledged by you, to receive love, to make eye contact with you. But you became scared of the world he was in, so you abandoned that little boy to a camera. You became the camera, recording life objectively for someone else to find, someone else to really look at, like that photograph buried in a book. You looked at first, but then you saw pain and you looked away. Now the price you have paid for refusing to look is immense. Your self esteem, you connection to love, your emotional growth. Will you look at yourself? The way you live is unthinkable. It is numb, but it is incredibly painful, and you know that it's time to grow up.

man: What are you suggesting?

woman: You're never going to get past this stage of your development until you really face yourself. You are perceptive enough to see the truth that you've hidden in plain view, out there in the world that is reflected in other people's eyes, the one place where you refuse to go. I see that world, and yes there is pain. There is love, truth, and beauty as well. Now I can't say what there is for you to find, for you to see in the world. But you're not alive if you're not looking.

(woman gets up, goes rummaging in her desk)

man: What are you doing?

woman: I'm looking for... ah here it is. A mirror.

man: (whimpering) No, not that.

woman: Robert, I don't know what you're going to see or experience, but you must know that you have got to find out.

man: (resigning) Yes.

woman: You can look away if it gets too scary. This could take years, don't feel you have to do this all at once...

man: (somber, then laughs) I can't afford you for years! Give me that!

woman: (shrugs, hands it to him) I suspect you will see a little boy, in the pain of lost innocence, hurt, abandoned. Go to him now.

man: (softly) I suspect you may be right.

(looks in the mirror)

man: (starts opening the pain and tears) Why, why did you have to die. You were beautiful to me, you were my friend... (sobs, then angrily) Don't let them kill you, run away! (looks horrified, then resumes sobbing for a while)

(woman walks over to him, softly lays a hand on his shoulder)

woman: You have called him back now, with your honest grieving. Your own little boy is safe inside.

man: (nodding, wiping eyes) I think I felt a closure, like a loop connecting. There was such a separation in me, after so many years...

woman: You were like Peter Pan. You tried to never grow up, by avoiding the relationships that begin with yourself. But we all need to grow up. Want to grow up. Together.

man: I... I knew that intellectually. Time and space are just our perceptions, nothing ever dies. Hurt passes, love endures. But I didn't feel it. I didn't realize how disconnected I had become from... being alive.

woman: In truth, you have only begun to cry. But you must see that this is okay. You must forgive yourself for your choice of isolation. It was a coping mechanism to contain your emotions, to protect you from your own tremendous sense of resposibility and caring for what happens in the world. And... you certainly do have something extrordinary about you, Robert Katz. Whatever it is, maybe it needed protecting for this long.

man: (looks up at her) Thank you doctor.

woman: (nods, starts fanning herself with her hand, breathing faster) You're welcome.

man: (leans toward her, staring at her with tender concern) Are you ok?

woman: (laughs) Nothing's wrong. Oh my God, I feel really good now when you look at me!

man: Really?

woman: (calms down) Yes. Oh, there, it's settling down now. It was such a wave of, something gooood...

man: Really?

woman: (nods, gets up) I think you better save some of that for...

man: For my boss?

woman: I was going to say, for someone you know better. Or someone you would like to know better.

man: Do you think it's a good idea... to...

woman: To date your boss? Oh, I don't know. What makes her your boss?

man: Well, she's not like the owner or anything. She's not even the manager who hired me. It's just that she's been there for so long, and she helped to interview me, and now she's training me...

woman: If she doesn't have the power to hire or fire you, then she's not your boss. And if she does have feelings for you, then she may have been playing the boss role to hide them.

man: So you think it could work? (looks straight at her)

woman: (looks away, then looks at him with determination, nothing much happens, calmly smiles) You have a powerful effect on people, Mr. Katz. I'm sure that you can make anything you want to have happen happen, and combined with your great sense of morality, you will do what is right. You can trust yourself now.

man: I can trust myself now. (nods) I like that.

woman: (looks at the clock) Good day, Mr. Katz. I suggest that you tell me more about what happens next, next week at this time.

man: (smiles) It's a date.

(he hands her a check, reaches behind him for his hat, and walks deliberately and awkwardly backward to the door)

woman: What are you doing?

man: Just kidding! Bet you thought I had a new complex now. (smiles, waves, turns and easily leaves)

woman: (wipes mouth again, looks at fingers like something came out) Ok, that's one for the memoirs.

(curtain close)





4 year old Avigdor Katz, in photo taken by mother Alte in 1930 in their town of Ejszyski, Poland. They were both killed in September 1941 by the Nazis during the massacre of 4000 Jews in the town. Photo was collected by Avigdor's neice Yeffa Eliach, and is now on the "tower of photographs" in the United States Holocaust Museum. (ref. Smithsonian magazine, April 1993)
© 2000 Carl Schroeder
all rights reserved